You idiot kid, you don’t have a clue….

(my dala horses-


The clock has turned and I’m a year older. I look down at my hands, the veins that connect the dots and I am twenty-two with my dreams on paper.

I wish I could say it was easy, but life never is. I am so close to the finish line and then what? What does graduation entail? I look back at the last three years of travel and struggle, dissecting creatures with a scalpel or simply splitting heads with my tongue. I wish I could say it was easy, but it is not.

Despite the emotional scarification I like some of who I’ve become. Sometimes I want to turn back that clock, run into some memory and stay for awhile but reality is where my heart beats and I can’t get out of the present.

What about the future?

Death seems to haunt at every corner, and I’m tired of losing. What do I say to my audience? You wonder why I grow smaller with sad eyes, why I’m silent? I’m watching the person that made me wake up with blood in her mouth and you ask me how I am?

Times are troublesome and I wish that I could say that I’m turning a new age without being in a rough spot, but we all know the truth.

Perhaps the truth is something one can understand better than another façade.

I am falling apart and trying to put the pieces together again. I write my dreams on walls in hopes that I will keep moving forward. I have to, there is no turning back.

I have many who love me but this is a fight I have to learn to win on my own.

I know, deep in my heart, that nothing is truly unbearable.


I am strong.


On a side note, the editor of deerwomen ( informed me that my birthday is also Buddha’s birthday in Japan.



On a lighter note here I am with a ferret at the age of 18, which was a very different time in my life.

~ by volatilestructure on April 8, 2009.

19 Responses to “You idiot kid, you don’t have a clue….”

  1. Something to keep in mind: there are goals, but there is no finish line.
    At least, that’s how it feels to me.

  2. happy birthday! (again) i love that picture of you with short hair. you look so beautiful no matter what xo

  3. happy birthday sweetie. i hope you make it through the tough times of your life. i love that photograph of the horses. really your talent is its own magic.

  4. Well happy B-day!

    Life gets or stays as complex as you see it. I wish I could bring better news.

    Being strong, flexible and open makes you a winner!

    These are my wished for next year!!!


  5. I’ve found that the things that cause you pain today will seem silly tomorrow.

    • that’s easy to say about most things.
      dealing with your mother dying isn’t going to be silly tomorrow.
      im sorry but seriously, your advice is faulty here.

      • Agreed. Dealing with the death of your mother won’t be silly. I apologize for my thoughtlessness.

      • thank you for your apology, im sorry if my reaction seemed strong, its just a very terrible subject for me and it took a lot for me to even allude to it in my blog…but seeing as its changed my life completely, particularly in the last year, i felt the need to start writing about it.
        again, thank you, it means a lot.

    • I’ll bite your stupid face off… see if you can smile at yourself in the mirror when you look mason verger

      stupid ho.

      • haha i love you.
        but seriously, what a twatwaffle. “oh death isn’t a big deal, its silly tomorrow!”
        how ignorant.

    • Silly = being stood up on a date
      Not silly = death of someone you love

  6. Yeah, I don’t find my grandpa dying a silly thing! :\ And it’s way after tomorrow. Though it has helped me grow and accept things that are inevitable. Also. If I took into account how I felt in the future about things today, that would get really really confusing, and completely impossible. It’s what you feel now that matters, and what shapes how you think in the future.

    • eloquently stated.
      see kucera? this is the kind of thoughtfulness and relativity that i appreciate in discussion.

  7. the imminent death of your mother is something thats never going to seem ‘silly’ tomorrow, that statement is completely ridiculous. some things will always cause you pain no matter how far in the past they may be. you dont get over them you just learn better to live with them.

    • exactly.
      apparently this person thinks that i should be a sociopath or something.
      this entry wasn’t even angsty! it was just, well life is really tough im going to get through this experience…i’ll never get over it, but i can learn to survive it….
      seriously though, today of all days was not one where i needed to be told that my pain was “silly”.

  8. I really wanted to make a witty retort, but I’m so irritated by how fucking STUPID that person is to think of one.

    Maybe I should kill their mother, and see how silly they find it tomorrow.

    Seriously, they need to stick a vodka drenched tampon up their ass and stfu.

    I love you, my Mikaela Mae. Stay strong. ❤

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