I want to hold your hand…

It hit me somewhere along the line that I needed to go back to the forests of my childhood and face death, look her straight in the eye and tell her I wasn’t afraid-this was only a chance for metamorphosis. I was not going to let myself become a sheep in a herd out of fear for safety. I realized life is not safe, no matter how many systems you play into or who you pretend to be. If you’re honest you’re invincible. If you’re honest with yourself you cannot be afraid.

I’m no longer afraid of the things that used to plague me. I’ve realized that while many people are asleep, I’ve become very much awake.

I may be losing my mother, and I may know death on an intimate level, but I know that life is painful for a reason-like a drawing the markings force your identity to the surface.

I know that in our culture we are not supposed to talk about loss. The worst thing in our society to call someone is a loser. The issue herein lies that no one is ever good enough, the stakes are always raised, and perhaps we do this to keep ourselves from stopping and reflecting on what it truly means to be human.

In the animal world life and death are always connected, the fact that there is pain and the need for survival are not ignored. Sea turtles lay their eggs on the beach only to have birds eat the fertilized yoke the next day, so many dreams and possibilities in those small embryos lost.

Perhaps that is what life as a human is too. Our dreams are like those sea turtle eggs, with only a few surviving to hatch. So much love goes into them to have them disappear.

Loss can be destructive on the human soul but only because we ignore it for so long. We deny ourselves our sadness.

I realized this year that if there was no dark than there could not be any light. If I didn’t lose, I could never reach for something more.

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~ by volatilestructure on May 6, 2009.

5 Responses to “I want to hold your hand…”

  1. Very insightful observations.
    You know, my dorm’s motto is “Sport Death: only life can kill you”.

  2. im dealing with death as well.
    though it feels rather than death , i am losses child, and either turn, it is very hard.

    “I’ve realized that while many people are asleep, I’ve become very much awake.”

    i love that line.

    in our society, no one talks about pain. yes there are more words for negativity, people are often negative to one another like we constantly…well not we, but in general people hurt one another but for what? release? in other cultures children are taught about spirituality, death, life, cycles. here kids are raised on crap like pop songs and stupid trends. bah im going on a tangent.

    i think youre very strong to realize and accept “the dark” that takes so much strength. i been having ideas about drawing you as the tarot card strength..ill tell you more about it later.. xoxo

  3. what you write, it sets me on fire.

  4. I faced a number of things a few years ago that dismantled me, and spent months and months not only learning how to put myself back together, but finding the desire to want to at all. Recently, through an unusual set of circumstances, I faced them again at their best and their worst, and this time around I made the choice to remain whole. This time around I removed them from my life, and I feel blessed for having the opportunity to put everything I’ve learned into practice. I can’t help but feel that people get hopelessly stuck in each moment, yearning after the dead things of the past or wishing for the future to arrive to deliver them from themselves. What I think is important is being able to look at your life not for the moments that comprise it, but as a whole. One bad day doesn’t equate to a bad life. One moment of joy won’t last forever and nor should it; that’s what makes it special in the first place. Life should be equal parts joy and sorrow, holding on and letting go, because without one we could never appreciate, not just the other, but the complexity and beauty of the whole.
    That got a little long, sorry. I’ve been following you for a little while now on tumblr, and I just wanted to say I really enjoy your thoughts and your artwork and your take on it all in general. Hope you’re well, and that your day’s gotten better.

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